A Pocket Guide to Earth
A short story by Mel Ciavucco. Contains adult content.
You are about to embark on quite an adventure! This guide will help you prepare for your trip to Earth so please study it carefully. You may have already seen pictures of human beings, but if not please turn to page 982,627,524,343,738, appendix 293,638,362. Please be aware, these images can cause distress.
Now you’ve seen one, you’ll need to look the part: gangly limbs, absurd distribution of fat and muscle, and even stranger distribution of fur. Before boarding the vessel you’ll be given a human suit. This may feel strange at first but you should adapt in a short time. You’ll need to look after this suit as a human being would, so we’ve put together a list of helpful ways you might maintain your new ‘body’ in order to fit in.
- Bathe regularly – once every Earth year should be sufficient
- Shaving of fur – this is extremely complicated and needs to be broken down further:
- Male: DO NOT shave the limbs, crease under the arms which we believe is called the ‘armpit,’ or chest. Keeping fur on these areas is known as ‘manly’ which they believe is good. Hair growing on the face is known as a ‘beard.’Beware of letting this grow too long unless you opt to be a ‘hipster’ (see chapter 146)
- Female: DO shave the legs, armpits and area around the genitals. If hair grows on the chest or face it is a defect and you should discard the suit immediately. Rogue fur can result in irrational violent responses from the humans including flogging, mutilation and castration. Hair on the head is expected to be long in order to be ‘pretty’, a term used only toward for females to ensure their place as the secondary sex.
- Clothing – this is worn on top of the suit, which may take a little getting used to. Clothing is primarily used to conceal certain ‘private’ areas of the body, which again this can be broken down into male and female form:
- Male – DO cover the genitals and upper legs at least. If it’s hot it is acceptable to expose the chest in public.
- Female – DO NOT expose the chest in a public area. This can result in irrational violent responses from the humans including flogging, mutilation and castration. The exception to this rule is if there is a camera in close vicinity and it is likely to make you some money (a bizarre concept at the fundamental core of the human existence. See chapters, 6 to 135)
- Body modifications – we understand that you may want to make your suit your own, but please do so with caution. Appearances are governed by a powerful entity called the ‘media’. It is mandatory that you pay attention to ensure you fit in. The important rule is: don’t do anything too far from what is seen as ‘normal’ or this may result in flogging, mutilation and castration.
- Maintenance – with an array of consumables available on Earth, you need to be aware of the implications to your suit. Watch what you eat - if your new ‘body’ gets too large we cannot guarantee a new suit will be available for exchange. Swelling of the suit is known as being ‘fat’ and can result in not just flogging but also projectile vomiting and beheadings.
- Illness - there are many diseases on Earth, some leading to something the humans call ‘death’. You need not worry as this is merely a human state of mind. However, diseases should still be avoided due to the physical pain they may cause, but more importantly as they may impact appearance, resulting in flogging, mutilation and castration.
Members of staff will be handing out free copies of The Daily Mail on boarding the vessel. This publication is greatly honoured by humans and should be followed with extreme vigilance in order to fit in. You will also be given money and grooming products.
- Females – You are expected to groom the fur on the head (you can visit such things as ‘hair stylists’ – we think these are some kind of super humans), and apply make-up on the face. Please see appendix 272,53 for the obligatory ‘mascara application face.’
- Males – DO NOT apply make-up as you will be known as a ‘ponce’. Masculinity is of great importance on Earth. Do not, under any circumstances, cry or your face will melt and your penis will drop off.
On arrival on Earth please visit a ‘shopping centre’ – this is a place where you can get clothes made by small, poor or other reject humans, for the exchange of much more money than was spent on making them. You may think this sounds like a bizarre, cruel concept and decide to make your own instead, but we would advise against it as this may result in flogging, mutilation and castration.
We hope you enjoy your new human suit. There is much fun to be had with it (see ‘sex’ - chapters 159 to 502) but please be careful not to puncture, burn or stretch the skin. Replacement suits take a minimum of 10 working days for delivery. You are expected to take photographs of your suit for uploading and registration on the Earth government database known as ‘Facebook’.
Please do not get too attached to your new suit. Many have suffered SDS (Suit Dependency Syndrome) and have been trapped on Earth forever. You must return before the effects of ‘ageing’ set in. From research it has proved to be a horrendous human experience. Your skin starts to crinkle up, you start to smell strange, you lose control of your bowels and you’re eventually cast out of society, locked away in a special prison with pastel wall paper and cups of weak tea.
A word about tea. This is a very popular human beverage and can cure many ailments. If you see a human who is distressed, simply say the words ‘I’ll put the kettle on’ and everything will be alright. The Earth can be a dangerous place, but ultimately we hope you will find it quite life affirming. Earth can offer some marvellous things such as bubble baths, Netflix, Wispa bars and masturbation. More can be found about these, and the great beverage known as wine, in chapters 42 - 158 in the guide.
We hope you enjoy your holiday on Earth. Don’t forget to rate it on Trip Advisor.
Copyright Mel Ciavucco 2017