So you're looking for a job! Ever wondered what some of those phrases you see in job adverts over and over again really mean? Well, I'm here to help break it down for you with my 'no bullshit' approach to job hunting.
Stellar photocopying skills and a strong bladder
What they say: The successful candidate will be responsible for delivering efficient and effective 5* service to both internal and external clients.
What they mean: The unlucky mug who takes this job will be forced to pretend they give a shit about everyone and suck up to the managers despite being on a zero-hour contract.
Responsibilities and duties:
What they say: The first point of contact for all visitors
What they mean: You'll be stuck on the desk all day, hope you've got a strong bladder
What they say: Setting up meeting/conference rooms when needed
What they mean: Cleaning up all the shit left by pompous blokes in suits
What they say: Photocopying, scanning and filing documents
What they mean: Mind-numbingly boring jobs your lady-brain can cope with whilst you look hot bending over the photocopier for the boys
What they say: Provide stellar support to the Reception & Events Manager
What they mean: 'Stellar'??!! What the hell does that mean - blowjobs?
What they say: Maintaining smooth day-to-day co-ordination of the Reception
What they mean: Trying to sort out other employee’s fuck ups
I'm sure you get the process now with 'what they say/mean' so I'll continue without those bits. Here's the rest of that same job ad...
Your skills and experience:
Excellent communication skills
Able to put on a great fake smile and bullshit your way through anything. Ability to be nice even when Bob from IT makes an inappropriate reference to your tits and then takes the last chocolate digestive.
Professionally presented to a high level
Attractive without being slutty: high heels, tight skirts, but don't go too far with the cleavage - that would be TOTALLY unprofessional. If you've got pink hair, tattoos, or are fat - just don't bother applying. In fact, don't apply for any office job, you'll only make people want to be sick in their own mouths.
Ability to successfully multi-task and prioritise workload
Ability not to freak the fuck out when you've got a shit ton of stuff to do and not cry like a whiny little bitch.
Good basic knowledge of Microsoft Office package
Ability to look hot and use a spreadsheet.
Knowledge of Health & Safety procedures would be desirable
Try not to plug twelve things into the same plug socket, and know how to run the fuck away from a fire in high heels.
Two extra arms desirable
Here's another Receptionist role, this time in a hotel:
Strong communication skills are essential in the role, written and verbal, as well as taking pride in appearance
You'll need to be able to talk to people, using proper words, and look pretty at the same time.
Duties will Include, but not limited to: (You'll be doing fucking everything):
Maintaining the appearance of the front desk and reception area
They're too tight-fisted to pay a cleaner
Checking guests in and out of the hotel
Dealing with douche bag tourists and/or corporate tossbags and trying not to have arguments with guys who blatantly ordered porn but swear blind that they definitely did not order porn
First point of contact for all incoming enquiries, phone & email
All at once – you’ll be on the phone, talking to people on the desk, talking to staff and answering emails so you’ll have to grow at least two extra arms
Providing house keeping with duties for the day
Supervise staff without being paid the supervisor rate of pay, whilst the actual supervisor sits on his arse in the staff room
The successful candidate will have:
A degree in film studies and six years of experience of begrudgingly working in hospitality
Be passionate on delivering excellent customer service & provide a high standard throughout the role
Force a smile onto your face every day, try not to cry too often in the toilets, make sure you look like you give a shit and remember that you'll at least make enough money to drink away the sorrow after your shift
Attention to detail, punctual, articulate, efficient, organised and work well within a team
The ability not to fall asleep on the reception desk, to get in work on time whilst hungover, to adapt your speech to be understood by people who only speak 'douchbag', and the ability to balance gossip and bitching in the office to keep to an 'entertaining' level without it turning into a bullying complaint
Have a flexible & adaptable attitude
To get on with the job and shut the fuck up
GCSE grade C or above in Maths & English, and computer literate
To be alive in 2016 (was this written in the 1970's?)
We will require interviewee's to take a typing test
Yes, it clearly was written in the 1970's
The successful candidate will have the opportunity to enrol in NVQ, if eligible.
BOOM, career prospects right there: the NVQ that will make it all bloody worth while.That'll be about as much use on your CV as a tea stain.
I hope this has helped your mission to find a semi-tolerable job. Keep your chin up, and if you ever question why you even bother working in the first place, just drink more wine.
Watch this space for more of my 'no bullshit' guide to job adverts!